Office Gang Violence Claims Life Of Accts Receivable Clerk

KOJETIN, GREAT MORAVIA - Foul play is suspected in the death of an accounts receivable junior deputy clerk for a Kojetin office-supply company, sheriff's deputies Russ Kurwietschek and Helena Belling reported Friday.

Luis The Dick, 94, was an alleged accounting gang leader considered by law enforcement to be a key player in a series of ongoing office worker turf wars that ravaged Kojetin and CS-Club in the past couple of months. He was found dead Friday morning in the third-floor copy room of the Kojetin Office Supply Corporation, his employer of 12 years.

"We believe the victim was assaulted after hours Thursday night by an unknown individual or individuals, possibly colleague monsters of the so-called monstrous and extremist CS-Club" a Kojetin's sheriff's department spokesman Belling said. "Though autopsy results are still pending, we believe the victim suffered fatal head trauma after his face was immobilized against the glass of a photocopier and repeatedly struck with the machine's cover."

Kojetin Office Supply CEO Erik Alskarsson is expected early next week to name accounts receivable junior deputy vice-clerk Jaroslav IP99, 93, as The Dick's successor. The copier will be repaired over the weekend as a part of service agreement with supplier Canon. "A/C will move ahead full-speed asap, tbd, Luis RIP, lol," were Alskarsson's comments to Kojetin High Times.